Some people are destructive by nature — real life applications on utilizing their destruction by looking at it constructively
After writing the story, Destructive by Nature — Some People Build While Others Destroy, I received practical application requests.
Although people loved the sentiment, they wanted to know how to apply it to their lives.
You don’t have to allow destructive people to destroy things in your life. You don’t even have to let them ruin your day. You can see it for what it is and build on it, or you can let it chip away at your resolve.
The choice is yours. Just like what comes out of others is what is inside them, when you get squeezed by destructive people, the same applies to you.
You get to decide whether you want to be a constructive or destructive person — whether you wish to create and build or tear down and destroy. The reflection of your choice will be demonstrated by what happens to the things you touch.
Dealing with some people can feel like playing an impossible game, in which you are doomed to failure. With every effort, you feel like you are being pushed further back. There seems to be no solution when dealing with negative people.
Nothing anyone could say would make dealing with toxic, negative and destructive people a walk in the park. There are some principles and practices, however, that will give you some extra and essential gear for what is more like a treacherous mountain climb. The journey is still perilous, but at least with the right equipment, you may make it over the mountain unscathed.
Principles and practices that help you deal with negative and destructive people
Here are some practical applications and principles that have helped me, my colleagues and countless clients learn how to deal constructively with destructive people.
When people are destructive by nature, do not take it personally.
And even more, do not waste your energy arguing with them.
When you spend your energy, be mindful of how, where and with who. Spend it in places and ways that allow your life force to reach its maximum potential. If you take this on as a practice with honor and integrity, you will be victorious.
If you have a hard time not taking it personally because sometimes being attacked feels very personal, picture the other person the way Jen Sincero suggests. They are all just lost little bunnies, trying to find their way. I wish number two sounded deeper and more profound, but you asked for pragmatism, so there you have it. It works.
Set boundaries when you need to and keep them.
You are not responsible for other people choosing to live a life of destruction, but you are responsible for whether or not you live there with them. Stop putting yourself last.
Don’t give yourself a rain check. Ever. Listen to your spirit, and when it calls you, go. Make this the most important thing in your life. Make it so important that you put it above everything else. It doesn’t make you selfish it makes you whole, which makes you powerful. You are better for yourself and the rest of the world this way. When you are whole, you are contributing a hundred percent to life. When you are a giver to life, life gives so much more to you. You are a better person, a better parent, a better everything. Don’t wait. Make this commitment now.
Accept the fact that your love cannot save people who are bent on destruction.
It is not your responsibility to save people and attempts to force your will on others, even for their own good, lead only to futility and heartache.
Inevitably, anytime we attempt to force our love to save people, it crumbles. The love is there but is tainted by fear, guilt, pain, resentment, and discontent. Our love then becomes destructive instead of constructive. Where healthy love builds, tainted love destroys. The power you felt in this love is the same power that erupts like a volcano to tear apart your heart.
Most importantly, focus on the good and wish for the best.
There are many practical applications to focusing on the good and hoping for the best, but all of them embody the same age-old principle — give that which you wish to receive, not what is given to you.
I must admit that the first time people suggested I pray for or send positive thoughts to those who wished me harm, I found it absurd. I tried it long before I understood it, but it worked — even when I didn’t know why.
The bottom line is this: no matter whether you take a religious, spiritual or scientific approach, what we focus on we inevitably intensify.
We have heard it and said it in many ways, although we don’t always practice it.
You find what you are looking for.
You reap what you sow.
Treat others as you wish to be treated.
You made your bed, now you must lie in it.
Judge not, lest you will be judged.
You get what you give.
You get what you pay for.
Turn the other cheek.
There is the law of cause and effect and karma.
Surely, you have many examples to add, as do I. And although they may sound a lot different, they all mean the same thing.
Whatever you pay attention to, you create more of and whatever you resist persists. The way to receive is to give. The way you look at the world determines what you will receive from it. We do not see or experience what is there. We see what we think, and we find what we expect to find.
When I tried sending positive intentions to those who were hurting me, instead of wishing them the same pain I must endure, my life changed. Somehow, if you focus on giving that which you wish for and hoping for others to have it, you receive it and more.
When I started focusing on the good I could find in people, that good shone brighter.
I have outlined some principles and practices that help when dealing with toxic people. There are times, however, when further action is required. You may need to get out of a toxic relationship or advocate for yourself. There will be times where legal action or huge life changes are necessary. Although these practices may help you move through your bout with destructive people, they are not a cure-all.
Furthermore, I do not suggest using these principles in an attempt to stay in a toxic relationship. They will not work for that. Sometimes the action necessary is to leave, whether it be a relationship, job, or life choice that destroys you. You are the only one who can decide, but there are times when the only place to find peace is very far away. I am not discounting this often necessity.
Learning how to deal with destructive people constructively is a valuable asset for anyone because we all encounter them. We cannot change the fact that we have to deal with destructive people, but we do get to choose who we spend most of our time with and who sits in our front row.
If you have practiced all the principles listed above and you have found no relief, it may be time to evaluate why you are still giving so much of yourself to people who only chew you up and spit you out.
You deserve the very best, but the world cannot give you the best unless you are willing to give it to yourself.
Written by Holly Kellums
Originally published on Medium.com